| frasieredited.pdf |
Eons ago, (that would be in the ’80’s) a comedy show called ‘Frasier’ spun-off from an earlier one called “Cheers.” I used to watch it, primarily because it came on after Seinfeld (in my opinion one of the great shows of all time and a hilarious indictment of modern mores.) I loved Niles, thought Frasier was a weenie and kept hoping to catch a glimpse of Niles’ invisible wife Maris, disappearing around a corner in a slink of black jersey and three inch spikes. Martin and Daphne, I thought, could have had their own show–if he’d just get his act together and ditch his tedious son.
My goal at the time was to write one of everything, so it was naturally Big Fun to write the dialog as much in keeping as possible with the characters as I understood them. The first couple of pages are here, and at the top of this page, you can open the file for the entire script. Did I nail the dialog? The story line? My hubbie’s friend, the legal dude who knew the guy who knew the other guy who had something to do with writing the show never bothered to get back to me on that. But why should a script languish unread? So, you tell me!
FRASIER
"Martin's New Hobby"
ACT ONE
FADE IN
(Title) If It Ain't Broke, You're Not Using It Right
INT. CAFE NERVOSA - DAY
(Daphne, Roz)
DAPHNE
He mopes around the house, only takes Eddie out for short walks...He doesn't even go to Dukes’ anymore. Honestly, I don't know what to do with him!
ROZ
Maybe he just needs a little nudge. Why don't you set him up with someone from the building? Some rich old girl who needs a little fun? Aren’t you always meeting some lonely widow or another in the elevator?
DAPHNE
Yes, and they do certainly like Martin, but no-one seems to strike his fancy. That perfectly lovely Mrs. Fredericks asked him to the football game just last week. You could tell she arranged those tickets just to entice him--she thinks football’s played on a court.
ROZ
And Martin turned her down?
DAPHNE
Oh, he was quite nice about it. But he said he couldn’t possibly. He had a volunteer meeting, you see.
ROZ
Volunteer? Martin?
DAPHNE
Reading for the blind. He told her Mrs. Fredericks that he reads Braille.
ROZ
Right. So let me get this straight. Martin's lost interest in everything, never goes anywhere and has no interests.
DAPHNE
That's the long and the short of it. It's affecting his health! He's put on weight, he complains more of pain, and he doesn't want to do his exercises. He's quite depressed.
ROZ
You're sure he doesn't just need a good dose of castor oil?
DAPHNE
I've been putting prune juice in his coffee for weeks now. He's as regular as clockwork.
ROZ
Okay, too much information. Well, it sounds like he's stuck, so we'll just have to do something about it. We'll come up with something. Hey, what's taking them so long to get to us?
(WAITRESS ARRIVES. SHE’S NOT THE USUAL NERVOSA TYPE. SHE’S EXTREMELY PERKY.)
WAITRESS
Hello, my name is Ariel and I’ll be your server today. The special today is a steaming macchiato with a unique blend of cocoa and vanilla sugar and, in honor of the season, just a snippet of nutmeg!
DAPHNE
I'll have a nonfat chai latte, with plenty of foam.
ROZ
I'll just have a regular cup of coffee.
WAITRESS
(DISAPPOINTED)
You wouldn’t like the macchiato? Piping hot…
ROZ
No, we’ll have the chai and the coffee.
WAITRESS
All right, then, cream, half-and-half, whole milk, 2%, 1%, nonfat or soy? The macchiato--
ROZ
Forget the machiatto, all right? No macchiato. I’ll have cream –no, make it 1%. If I put on any more weight, I’ll have to buy a bigger car.
(WAITRESS EXITS)
CUT TO
EXT. CAFE NERVOSA
(Frasier stands with BLYTHE just outside the door. She is an imposing woman: fabulous clothes, poise, heavy jewelry. He kisses her HAND)
FRASIER
Blythe, it's been a wonderful afternoon. May I call you tonight?
BLYTHE
Well, I am meeting with my broker for dinner...It's tiresome, but these financial wizards always want to eat! I suppose you could try my line between 10:30 and 11:00. But not after 11:00—late nights are so bad for the skin.
FRASIER
Your skin or mine?
(HE CHUCKLES: BLYTHE JUST LOOKS AT HIM)
BLYTHE
Yes…quite. Well, Ciao!
(She air-kisses on one side only and walks away. Frasier enters Cafe Nervosa and walks over to ROZ AND DAPHNE.)
FRASIER
Well, well, what are you two lovely ladies doing inside on a glorious day like this?
ROZ
How'd the sunshine get up your pants on a glorious day like this?
FRASIER
Even your cynical taunts can’t get to me today, Roz…No doubt you've heard about the new host of "Legal Eagle"?
DAPHNE
I haven't heard anything, but I can see perfectly well. That woman was wearing a diamond on her finger the size of my Granny Moon's big toe bunion!
(Frasier and Roz both look revolted)
ROZ
Legal Eagle...Is that the one with the nonstop cleavage?
FRASIER
(haughtily)
The one who graduated from Yale, Summa Cum Laude.
ROZ
And three-inch Farragamo heels, a collection of Chanel suits that would make Coco proud, and an ex-husband whose portfolio is only exceeded by the size of his--
FRASIER
Fine, fine Roz, that's more than enough.
(Roz grabs her purse and heads for the ladies' room. FRASIER PULLS UP ANOTHER CHAIR AND SITS DOWN.)
FRASIER
How did she find out all those things about Blythe?
DAPHNE
Blythe? Really?
FRASIER
Oh for god’s sakes, will you let it go?
DAPHNE
Actually, I've been meaning to talk to you. I'm very worried about your father...
************************
My goal at the time was to write one of everything, so it was naturally Big Fun to write the dialog as much in keeping as possible with the characters as I understood them. The first couple of pages are here, and at the top of this page, you can open the file for the entire script. Did I nail the dialog? The story line? My hubbie’s friend, the legal dude who knew the guy who knew the other guy who had something to do with writing the show never bothered to get back to me on that. But why should a script languish unread? So, you tell me!
FRASIER
"Martin's New Hobby"
ACT ONE
FADE IN
(Title) If It Ain't Broke, You're Not Using It Right
INT. CAFE NERVOSA - DAY
(Daphne, Roz)
DAPHNE
He mopes around the house, only takes Eddie out for short walks...He doesn't even go to Dukes’ anymore. Honestly, I don't know what to do with him!
ROZ
Maybe he just needs a little nudge. Why don't you set him up with someone from the building? Some rich old girl who needs a little fun? Aren’t you always meeting some lonely widow or another in the elevator?
DAPHNE
Yes, and they do certainly like Martin, but no-one seems to strike his fancy. That perfectly lovely Mrs. Fredericks asked him to the football game just last week. You could tell she arranged those tickets just to entice him--she thinks football’s played on a court.
ROZ
And Martin turned her down?
DAPHNE
Oh, he was quite nice about it. But he said he couldn’t possibly. He had a volunteer meeting, you see.
ROZ
Volunteer? Martin?
DAPHNE
Reading for the blind. He told her Mrs. Fredericks that he reads Braille.
ROZ
Right. So let me get this straight. Martin's lost interest in everything, never goes anywhere and has no interests.
DAPHNE
That's the long and the short of it. It's affecting his health! He's put on weight, he complains more of pain, and he doesn't want to do his exercises. He's quite depressed.
ROZ
You're sure he doesn't just need a good dose of castor oil?
DAPHNE
I've been putting prune juice in his coffee for weeks now. He's as regular as clockwork.
ROZ
Okay, too much information. Well, it sounds like he's stuck, so we'll just have to do something about it. We'll come up with something. Hey, what's taking them so long to get to us?
(WAITRESS ARRIVES. SHE’S NOT THE USUAL NERVOSA TYPE. SHE’S EXTREMELY PERKY.)
WAITRESS
Hello, my name is Ariel and I’ll be your server today. The special today is a steaming macchiato with a unique blend of cocoa and vanilla sugar and, in honor of the season, just a snippet of nutmeg!
DAPHNE
I'll have a nonfat chai latte, with plenty of foam.
ROZ
I'll just have a regular cup of coffee.
WAITRESS
(DISAPPOINTED)
You wouldn’t like the macchiato? Piping hot…
ROZ
No, we’ll have the chai and the coffee.
WAITRESS
All right, then, cream, half-and-half, whole milk, 2%, 1%, nonfat or soy? The macchiato--
ROZ
Forget the machiatto, all right? No macchiato. I’ll have cream –no, make it 1%. If I put on any more weight, I’ll have to buy a bigger car.
(WAITRESS EXITS)
CUT TO
EXT. CAFE NERVOSA
(Frasier stands with BLYTHE just outside the door. She is an imposing woman: fabulous clothes, poise, heavy jewelry. He kisses her HAND)
FRASIER
Blythe, it's been a wonderful afternoon. May I call you tonight?
BLYTHE
Well, I am meeting with my broker for dinner...It's tiresome, but these financial wizards always want to eat! I suppose you could try my line between 10:30 and 11:00. But not after 11:00—late nights are so bad for the skin.
FRASIER
Your skin or mine?
(HE CHUCKLES: BLYTHE JUST LOOKS AT HIM)
BLYTHE
Yes…quite. Well, Ciao!
(She air-kisses on one side only and walks away. Frasier enters Cafe Nervosa and walks over to ROZ AND DAPHNE.)
FRASIER
Well, well, what are you two lovely ladies doing inside on a glorious day like this?
ROZ
How'd the sunshine get up your pants on a glorious day like this?
FRASIER
Even your cynical taunts can’t get to me today, Roz…No doubt you've heard about the new host of "Legal Eagle"?
DAPHNE
I haven't heard anything, but I can see perfectly well. That woman was wearing a diamond on her finger the size of my Granny Moon's big toe bunion!
(Frasier and Roz both look revolted)
ROZ
Legal Eagle...Is that the one with the nonstop cleavage?
FRASIER
(haughtily)
The one who graduated from Yale, Summa Cum Laude.
ROZ
And three-inch Farragamo heels, a collection of Chanel suits that would make Coco proud, and an ex-husband whose portfolio is only exceeded by the size of his--
FRASIER
Fine, fine Roz, that's more than enough.
(Roz grabs her purse and heads for the ladies' room. FRASIER PULLS UP ANOTHER CHAIR AND SITS DOWN.)
FRASIER
How did she find out all those things about Blythe?
DAPHNE
Blythe? Really?
FRASIER
Oh for god’s sakes, will you let it go?
DAPHNE
Actually, I've been meaning to talk to you. I'm very worried about your father...
************************
