Letting Go of Loneliness
by
Lori Covington
Loneliness is such an awful, desperate feeling, and so many people suffer from it. It's so normal, in fact, that it doesn't really get the attention that it should. Maybe it's partly because feeling lonely also makes us feel ashamed, as if we aren't good enough for the companionship of others, the closeness of relationships that smooth and soften the harsh edges of life. Loneliness is part of addiction, depression, anxiety. If I could change anything about human beings, I would erase loneliness from our hearts.
Children can be especially lonely--adults don't always realize that. Children who are bullied at home, at school, children who are different in some way from others--shyer, smarter, chubbier, scrawnier, of a different culture, from a different town. Sensitive children may be lonely in part because other children hurt their feelings, so they avoid socializing. Sensitive children grow up to be sensitive adults--it's a natural thing. We don't outgrow sensitivity, although we often wish we could.
But being sensitive doesn't mean you're doomed to be lonely: far from it. If you knew how many people around you are shy, scared of being hurt, you'd be astonished.
It's just that some people have a good cover. They learned as children the social skills that make it easier for them to meet people, join groups and ease the loneliness that's part of everyone's life to some extent. And with those social skills came ways of being less lonely.
You need to know this: everyone is lonely some of the time. It's a very human condition. Even the most social of the social butterflies you ever meet will sometimes feel lonely. (In fact, social butterflies are just people who've learned excellent ways to prevent loneliness in themselves and in others!)
But by the same token, we don't have to be desperately lonely all the time. You see, it's also human to find ways out of loneliness. In this book. I can teach you some of those ways, and in time, you will find others that fit you and help you become a happier person.
If you're lonely, chances are, you also think there's nothing you can do about it. Maybe you have tried and failed to find close friends, a spouse or sweetheart, or just someone to have coffee with. After a few failures, it seems like the whole world is made of closed doors.
Let's open one of those doors right now.
You don't have to be lonely. There are simple, effective things you can do to stop feeling that awful feeling right now, even if you're completely alone. And if you can trust enough to take the first steps, even while you are totally alone, you will also soon be taking steps towards finding others to share your life with.
I was a terribly lonely kid. I was shy and overweight, and wore glasses, and being a Navy kid, I was always the new kid in school. I was bullied from my earliest days and school was a torment. My life wasn't horrible on the outside--but on the inside--I sometimes thought I might die from sheer loneliness.
I got over it.
It took some time, and some realizations. It took learning new skills, too. But, I hope it will give you some hope when I tell you that extreme loneliness left my life more than twenty years ago. Sometimes I get blue, and sometimes I wish I had someone to talk to when I don't--but my life is happy and complete. And you can have the same balance, you really can. Here's how, in what I call...
The 10-Item Honey-Do List for Curing Loneliness
1. Find Something Fascinating
I remember not being able to think about anything except how empty my life felt. But that was a long time ago! Now, I know an important secret: the more deeply I've become interested in things outside myself--reading, jam-making, drawing, exploring--the less lonely I am.
My life changed when I started playing the flute. I was 12. I joined band, because I was afraid of the choir teacher--an intimidating, humorless woman--and we had to choose between band or choir. I went to the band teacher, without a single idea of playing an instrument--I was just running away from choir! He suggested the flute and gave me an instrument to take home. At first, I was awful at it. I couldn't even make a sound. I tried and tried and wept with frustration, and eventually, after weeks, a sound came.
The following year, we moved again, from Texas to Oregon, and my new band teacher, Mr. Peterson, must have noticed something in me. Maybe he felt sorry for a kid who had zero confidence and no friends. He encouraged me to play, gave me lessons, challenged me. He even set up competitions that were scary and hard and fun, all at at once. My confidence grew with my skill, and the joy of making music kept me excited and motivated.
Mr. Peterson was a good friend to me, the first teacher who ever cared about what I was doing or why. I think he saved my life, actually, because I fell in love with music and spent all my spare time playing the flute. I joined orchestra and then the local youth wind ensemble. I discovered Bach and Vivaldi. It was heaven.
And my feelings of loneliness, that deep, scarring aloneness, were eased by the joy I found in making music. I made friends, and even played in a coffeehouse on weekends with my orchestra teacher. In high school, I sang in two choirs, and played and sang in musicals (although I was still quite shy and spent alot of time feeling terrified!) I went out and met people, went to cast parties and played music right into college. Being a musician opened new doors to life.
And it's never too late. So, take a little time and think. What are you interested in? What have you thought of pursuing? Do you like sports, the guitar, drawing, reading, hiking? What do you wish you knew more about? Pick one or two, and start following up.
There are two things that pursuing a deep interest will do. First, you are distracting yourself from your loneliness. That's an excellent thing! And ultimately, your new interest will lead you to new places, where you will connect with new people. It's the start of a very pleasant path.
Not sure what your interests are? Get thee to a library or do some time on Google. Don't settle for a mild interest if there's something bigger in your heart. Choose what fascinates you and chase it. Don't worry if your interest seems the kind of thing no one else would want to know about: somewhere, a group of people are preparing for a conference or a concert or a demonstration or a campout centered on that very theme. Trust me, they are.
You may even find yourself picking up an interest but finding out it's not actually all that fascinating. Don't worry--you're not stuck. Just try something else. A great test is to tell yourself on your next day off that you're going to read about or participate in your current interest. When you wake up that morning, think about it--if you want to jump out of bed and get to it, you've found the right thing.
2. Practice Mindfulness
I have a friend who has trouble with loneliness. It's so sad, because if he would take just a few minutes to do a mindful meditation each day, his loneliness would be greatly diminished. But his mind spins around so much, he's afraid to sit still, in silence and just listen to his own breathing. I think something in him is afraid that if he stops moving, stops making noise, that he could wind up stuck in that silence and stillness forever. So he avoids the meditation.
But it's not like that. Mindfulness meditation is a way of giving yourself a break from your emotions, repetitive thoughts and fears. It clears the cobwebs and makes life seem so much simpler. It's an excellent way of taking hold of your loneliness, taking it in your arms in a way, and easing your own suffering by accepting it. Ten minutes of aloneness can bring you relief from hours of loneliness, and it's more than a temporary relief--it helps your mind and body grow stronger. Research shows again and again that all sorts of people become happier after just a few days of meditation. My favourite teacher, a Vietnamese monk named Thich Nhat Hanh, tells us that we can become happier after just a few moments of meditation, and I know that for myself, that's true.
Mindful meditation brings, to my mind, the best Return On Investment of any other activity. You can do it sitting, walking or lying down, with no equipment. Just breathe; focus on how wonderful it feels to breathe in, then breathe out. Let other thoughts come and go like butterflies--don't chase them, just watch them move in and out while you focus on breathing. It's truly that simple.
If it sounds like a paradox, a puzzle, it is. How can sitting quietly alone, only thinking about breathing in and breathing out, solve the problem of loneliness? It's a mystery to me, but if you can give yourself 10 minutes to sit and do nothing but breathe--letting thoughts and feelings pass through you rather than being storm-tossed by constant emotions--you will benefit from that mystery. Mindfulness meditation eases depression and anxiety, along with a host of physical ailments from asthma to heart disease. If you find a mindfulness class, you'll start meeting people right away, while learning a valuable new skill. But if you prefer to start right away, here's a Youtube link to my teacher, Thich Nhat Hanh, guiding you through a mindful meditation. (It may take you awhile to become used to his accent and his soft voice. Turn up the sound and be patient; it's worth it.)
http://youtu.be/AW66B_aGuiA
3. Learn This Secret: Everyone is Shy --Sometimes
When I learned that most people feel shy sometimes, I found the knowledge so empowering. I thought I was the only one who felt alone and clumsy and awkward. But it makes sense, doesn't it: even the most sociable person has experienced embarrassment, rejection and other hurtful social episodes. If it happens early in life, or frequently, or both, we become convinced that we're not as good as other people, that other people don't want to know us. Shyness is a way of avoiding being hurt by others, but it's not very helpful because it hurts us too.
Knowing that other people feel shy too makes it a bit easier to reach out. If you knew for certain that the person you just met was twice as shy as you, your instinct would be to be kind to that person, to help him. You'd want to make that person feel at ease, comfortable. So you would probably start the conversation, forgive some awkward pauses, and help the other guy out. Remembering that most people are shy some of the time will help you remember that you're no worse off that anyone else.
4. It's Not You, It's Me.
We're sort of all in the same boat. We all have problems, insecurities, bad days, cramps in our muscles and our spirits. We're all worried about money, stressed about work, thinking too much about diets and sickness, baldness or hairiness--and finding love. So, don't just assume that people don't want to know you when they act less than perfectly sociable--that woman may be frowning because she's worried that her dinner left spinach in her teeth, or she's preoccupied with trouble at work. The silent man may be trying to figure out how to get home early so he can put his kids to bed, or he's gotten a headache from too much time on the computer, or on the road.
And occasionally, you'll just meet someone who's a jackass, with bad manners, whose main pleasure in life is making other people feel bad. You don't even have to take that personally--I'm sure that person acts that way with all sorts of people, not just you. Don't assume that people dislike you: they may just have problems of their own that interfere with their own connecting.
5. When Actually, It IS You
If you keep having the same unsatisfying, or unpleasant interactions with lots of different people, it may be you. You may find that people ignore you, or seem annoyed or that things always seem to go in a direction you don't like. That's pretty normal, too! We all tend to do the same things, even with different people. Some people brag, others are so humble nobody can believe they ever tell the truth. Some people can't make social chitchat, others are incapable of speaking about things that are deep and true. We all make conversational mistakes--and if your conversations are winding up badly, you can learn new ways of listening and speaking, just as you might learn to hit a golf ball or dance the tango--with professional coaching.
You may decide to visit a behavioral counselor and find out what it is that you're doing to make people do the same thing over and over with you. Then you can tweak your own behaviors and watch how your social interactions change.
I once took a tango class (a REAL exercise in awkwardness!) The class worked by everyone changing partners constantly--a round-robin approach. Some danced better than others, so it all evened out--although I have to admit, I loved tangoing with the 6-foot tall, handsome and pleasant psychologist the most. There was a classmate I would have done anything to avoid, though, and I felt so guilty, because he was probably a perfectly nice man, and his dancing was probably as good, or as lousy, as mine. The problem was, he had the worst breath. I don't mean slightly off breath, or garlic breath. This was eye-watering, nauseating breath, like something rotting. Even being a few feet away was much too close for comfort, and dancing with him was tortuous. I never knew him well enough to tactfully let him know that maybe some gum would help. I wonder if he ever found out why women didn't want to know him.
This is all to say that sometimes something perfectly easy to solve, can hold someone back socially. You don't have to be Cary Grant, but a certain amount of bathing, deodorizing and clean clothes are necessary. If you're not sure about your own breath (or whatever) directly asking a counselor or your doctor should put you right, and then there are all sorts of ways to fix little problems of hygiene, physical or mental.
And a little by-the-way: if you smoke, you probably DO smell bad to nonsmokers, so wash your hands and face after your smoke breaks, and chew gum or brush your teeth before getting close to people whose noses are hyper-sensitive to smoking smells.
6. Warning: Love Isn't the Answer
When I was younger, I thought that falling in love, if reciprocated, would cure me of loneliness. We definitely get a temporary reprieve when we fall in love--it feels like you've finally met the one person who knows exactly who you are, accepts you, adores you. But the reprieve IS temporary. Either love matures into something less dramatic, or it ends. The lesson is this: don't kid yourself into thinking that meeting Mr. or Ms. Right will get you off the hook. Handling loneliness is one of life's unavoidable tasks, romance or no romance. (And with friends available, the sting of a busted romance is less agonizing.)
I'm sorry to be so blunt, but I wasted alot of time and energy trying to make romantic love do something it isn't built to do. Love may very well come along, and I hope yours is the grand kind that solves nearly all life's troubles--but you still have to learn about loneliness before you can conquer it. Some might even argue that, to be happy in love, handling one's loneliness is a prerequisite...
7. Networking for Friends
Making friends as adults is difficult because of work schedules, parenting commitments and downright fatigue! But if you approach it as you would networking for employment, you can get good results. In fact. in my experience, it's alot easier to network for friends than for work--the expectations are lower.
So, how do you network? Go back to #1 on the Honey-Do list. What are interested in? Good. Now--get out the local independent paper, or go online and find a class, a discussion group, a project--that's related to your interest. Mark the date and time in your calendar, gird your loins for battle, and GO TO IT. Don't expect to really meet friends at the first meetings, although you might. Go to every meeting and you will meet people, and you'll automatically have the connection of sharing the same interest.
If you have any inclination towards a religion or philosophy, take this time to explore it. Visit churches, synagogues, temples, bible studies--whatever seems to fit for you.
8. When in Doubt, Listen
You don't have to know things to be considered interesting. You don't even have to be amusing to have people want to spend time with you. To be a great conversationalist, just listen. Focus on the other person and what he or she is saying. You don't have to make conversation, to be witty or bright or knowledgable--let the other person do that. Just listen to the words and the feelings someone shares with you. Look at the person and take in the words; let them affect you. Respond when it feels right, but until then, just let the other person know you're hearing them. Little nods, uh-huhs, smiles and other conversational cues help the other person feel your presence.
Deep listening is the best gift, the greatest compliment you can pay another person--and something many people rarely experience. Don't worry--your time will come to talk and have someone listen to you. But start with listening to them. There is no greater way to connect with someone than really paying attention to what they have to say.
9. Give to Others
You can listen for others: you can also act. You are not the only person suffering. There are millions, billions of lonely people. You can ease your suffering by helping someone else escape his. Listening is one way to help someone out of loneliness, and the fellow-feeling it creates in you will ease yours at the same time. Helping others will always make you feel less lonely. It's a fact of life (one of the facts they're only just now starting to teach in school.)
So, what will it be? Building homes for Habitat for Humanity? Helping at a soup kitchen? Making blankets for a shelter? Playing piano at a benefit? Teaching math to kids who need extra help? Volunteering at an animal rescue farm? There are infinite ways to help ease suffering.
There are so many ways to help. You can find one, perhaps one that dovetails with your interest, too. But if not, even if it's just stuffing envelopes for something you believe in, you're contributing. Contributing attaches you more firmly to others, and strengthens your soul. When you know you're doing something humanly important (as opposed to "important" paid work, which often isn't really important, just prestigious) your connection to humanity grows, and your loneliness naturally recedes.
10. Find Your Tribe
I used to think that true love lasted forever. For some, maybe it can. But in my experience, friends and even lovers change and move on. Relationships change, peoples' values morph into new ways of living. We leave each other behind.
There have been a few friendships, a few loves, whose loss nearly destroyed me because I was unwilling to give up the dream that love, once found, would not depart. It was a laziness on my part, not wanting to give up on connections I worked so hard to make. I blamed my friends for not staying in touch, for not being true, but maybe I just expected too much. Life's projects, demands, other relationships take precedence. I may be wrong, but for me, anyway, I have to accept that friends will flow in and out of my life. I hope to keep making friends until the day I die.
But although friends come and go, I can still find my tribe. When I went to art school recently, I discovered a group of people who thought like I thought, loved and ached over the same things, faced the same terrors and tumbled into the same sorts of bliss. It was the most empowering experience of my life, because I had never met people who were so much like me. They were and are, my tribe. I accept that as individuals, we will move apart and move on. But I know now why I didn't fit in with the people I went to counseling school with; why the politics of small office life made me so sad and bored and sick. Those people weren't of my tribe.
Once you find your interests, your passion, and start connecting your passions with your social network, you will find your tribe. There is something magical in just knowing you HAVE a tribe, that it goes beyond family, school and hobbies. But you can't wait for it to come find you--you have to expend the energy to find it.
In a Nutshell...A Review of What We Have Covered
Following your interests with dedication to them will distract you from loneliness and heal you from the constant pain of feeling alone.
Practicing mindfulness meditation will give you a rest from the emotional swing of lonely feelings and help you see your world with a fresher eye, more energy and optimism.
Next, you will find new paths and groups that advance your interest, teach you and begin connecting you with others, helping you network and reach the people who will become your friends and allies.
Paying attention to others, by listening and helping, will increase those connections and build your confidence.
From the first step, you will begin to find peace and an easing of your loneliness. If you work at it as you would seriously learn anything--from driving a car to mastering a new cake recipe--you will find the process of becoming fascinated sustains you from day to day. It begins running under your entire life, like a clean, cool river that washes away insecurity and grief. It leaves you stronger and more resilient, readier to reach out, more capable of facing challenges along the way.
You've already found your first tribe, in a way. In our mutual movement away from loneliness, in embracing just these few of life's wonderful possibilities, I have already made you part of mine.
With warmest wishes,
Lori
by
Lori Covington
Loneliness is such an awful, desperate feeling, and so many people suffer from it. It's so normal, in fact, that it doesn't really get the attention that it should. Maybe it's partly because feeling lonely also makes us feel ashamed, as if we aren't good enough for the companionship of others, the closeness of relationships that smooth and soften the harsh edges of life. Loneliness is part of addiction, depression, anxiety. If I could change anything about human beings, I would erase loneliness from our hearts.
Children can be especially lonely--adults don't always realize that. Children who are bullied at home, at school, children who are different in some way from others--shyer, smarter, chubbier, scrawnier, of a different culture, from a different town. Sensitive children may be lonely in part because other children hurt their feelings, so they avoid socializing. Sensitive children grow up to be sensitive adults--it's a natural thing. We don't outgrow sensitivity, although we often wish we could.
But being sensitive doesn't mean you're doomed to be lonely: far from it. If you knew how many people around you are shy, scared of being hurt, you'd be astonished.
It's just that some people have a good cover. They learned as children the social skills that make it easier for them to meet people, join groups and ease the loneliness that's part of everyone's life to some extent. And with those social skills came ways of being less lonely.
You need to know this: everyone is lonely some of the time. It's a very human condition. Even the most social of the social butterflies you ever meet will sometimes feel lonely. (In fact, social butterflies are just people who've learned excellent ways to prevent loneliness in themselves and in others!)
But by the same token, we don't have to be desperately lonely all the time. You see, it's also human to find ways out of loneliness. In this book. I can teach you some of those ways, and in time, you will find others that fit you and help you become a happier person.
If you're lonely, chances are, you also think there's nothing you can do about it. Maybe you have tried and failed to find close friends, a spouse or sweetheart, or just someone to have coffee with. After a few failures, it seems like the whole world is made of closed doors.
Let's open one of those doors right now.
You don't have to be lonely. There are simple, effective things you can do to stop feeling that awful feeling right now, even if you're completely alone. And if you can trust enough to take the first steps, even while you are totally alone, you will also soon be taking steps towards finding others to share your life with.
I was a terribly lonely kid. I was shy and overweight, and wore glasses, and being a Navy kid, I was always the new kid in school. I was bullied from my earliest days and school was a torment. My life wasn't horrible on the outside--but on the inside--I sometimes thought I might die from sheer loneliness.
I got over it.
It took some time, and some realizations. It took learning new skills, too. But, I hope it will give you some hope when I tell you that extreme loneliness left my life more than twenty years ago. Sometimes I get blue, and sometimes I wish I had someone to talk to when I don't--but my life is happy and complete. And you can have the same balance, you really can. Here's how, in what I call...
The 10-Item Honey-Do List for Curing Loneliness
1. Find Something Fascinating
I remember not being able to think about anything except how empty my life felt. But that was a long time ago! Now, I know an important secret: the more deeply I've become interested in things outside myself--reading, jam-making, drawing, exploring--the less lonely I am.
My life changed when I started playing the flute. I was 12. I joined band, because I was afraid of the choir teacher--an intimidating, humorless woman--and we had to choose between band or choir. I went to the band teacher, without a single idea of playing an instrument--I was just running away from choir! He suggested the flute and gave me an instrument to take home. At first, I was awful at it. I couldn't even make a sound. I tried and tried and wept with frustration, and eventually, after weeks, a sound came.
The following year, we moved again, from Texas to Oregon, and my new band teacher, Mr. Peterson, must have noticed something in me. Maybe he felt sorry for a kid who had zero confidence and no friends. He encouraged me to play, gave me lessons, challenged me. He even set up competitions that were scary and hard and fun, all at at once. My confidence grew with my skill, and the joy of making music kept me excited and motivated.
Mr. Peterson was a good friend to me, the first teacher who ever cared about what I was doing or why. I think he saved my life, actually, because I fell in love with music and spent all my spare time playing the flute. I joined orchestra and then the local youth wind ensemble. I discovered Bach and Vivaldi. It was heaven.
And my feelings of loneliness, that deep, scarring aloneness, were eased by the joy I found in making music. I made friends, and even played in a coffeehouse on weekends with my orchestra teacher. In high school, I sang in two choirs, and played and sang in musicals (although I was still quite shy and spent alot of time feeling terrified!) I went out and met people, went to cast parties and played music right into college. Being a musician opened new doors to life.
And it's never too late. So, take a little time and think. What are you interested in? What have you thought of pursuing? Do you like sports, the guitar, drawing, reading, hiking? What do you wish you knew more about? Pick one or two, and start following up.
There are two things that pursuing a deep interest will do. First, you are distracting yourself from your loneliness. That's an excellent thing! And ultimately, your new interest will lead you to new places, where you will connect with new people. It's the start of a very pleasant path.
Not sure what your interests are? Get thee to a library or do some time on Google. Don't settle for a mild interest if there's something bigger in your heart. Choose what fascinates you and chase it. Don't worry if your interest seems the kind of thing no one else would want to know about: somewhere, a group of people are preparing for a conference or a concert or a demonstration or a campout centered on that very theme. Trust me, they are.
You may even find yourself picking up an interest but finding out it's not actually all that fascinating. Don't worry--you're not stuck. Just try something else. A great test is to tell yourself on your next day off that you're going to read about or participate in your current interest. When you wake up that morning, think about it--if you want to jump out of bed and get to it, you've found the right thing.
2. Practice Mindfulness
I have a friend who has trouble with loneliness. It's so sad, because if he would take just a few minutes to do a mindful meditation each day, his loneliness would be greatly diminished. But his mind spins around so much, he's afraid to sit still, in silence and just listen to his own breathing. I think something in him is afraid that if he stops moving, stops making noise, that he could wind up stuck in that silence and stillness forever. So he avoids the meditation.
But it's not like that. Mindfulness meditation is a way of giving yourself a break from your emotions, repetitive thoughts and fears. It clears the cobwebs and makes life seem so much simpler. It's an excellent way of taking hold of your loneliness, taking it in your arms in a way, and easing your own suffering by accepting it. Ten minutes of aloneness can bring you relief from hours of loneliness, and it's more than a temporary relief--it helps your mind and body grow stronger. Research shows again and again that all sorts of people become happier after just a few days of meditation. My favourite teacher, a Vietnamese monk named Thich Nhat Hanh, tells us that we can become happier after just a few moments of meditation, and I know that for myself, that's true.
Mindful meditation brings, to my mind, the best Return On Investment of any other activity. You can do it sitting, walking or lying down, with no equipment. Just breathe; focus on how wonderful it feels to breathe in, then breathe out. Let other thoughts come and go like butterflies--don't chase them, just watch them move in and out while you focus on breathing. It's truly that simple.
If it sounds like a paradox, a puzzle, it is. How can sitting quietly alone, only thinking about breathing in and breathing out, solve the problem of loneliness? It's a mystery to me, but if you can give yourself 10 minutes to sit and do nothing but breathe--letting thoughts and feelings pass through you rather than being storm-tossed by constant emotions--you will benefit from that mystery. Mindfulness meditation eases depression and anxiety, along with a host of physical ailments from asthma to heart disease. If you find a mindfulness class, you'll start meeting people right away, while learning a valuable new skill. But if you prefer to start right away, here's a Youtube link to my teacher, Thich Nhat Hanh, guiding you through a mindful meditation. (It may take you awhile to become used to his accent and his soft voice. Turn up the sound and be patient; it's worth it.)
http://youtu.be/AW66B_aGuiA
3. Learn This Secret: Everyone is Shy --Sometimes
When I learned that most people feel shy sometimes, I found the knowledge so empowering. I thought I was the only one who felt alone and clumsy and awkward. But it makes sense, doesn't it: even the most sociable person has experienced embarrassment, rejection and other hurtful social episodes. If it happens early in life, or frequently, or both, we become convinced that we're not as good as other people, that other people don't want to know us. Shyness is a way of avoiding being hurt by others, but it's not very helpful because it hurts us too.
Knowing that other people feel shy too makes it a bit easier to reach out. If you knew for certain that the person you just met was twice as shy as you, your instinct would be to be kind to that person, to help him. You'd want to make that person feel at ease, comfortable. So you would probably start the conversation, forgive some awkward pauses, and help the other guy out. Remembering that most people are shy some of the time will help you remember that you're no worse off that anyone else.
4. It's Not You, It's Me.
We're sort of all in the same boat. We all have problems, insecurities, bad days, cramps in our muscles and our spirits. We're all worried about money, stressed about work, thinking too much about diets and sickness, baldness or hairiness--and finding love. So, don't just assume that people don't want to know you when they act less than perfectly sociable--that woman may be frowning because she's worried that her dinner left spinach in her teeth, or she's preoccupied with trouble at work. The silent man may be trying to figure out how to get home early so he can put his kids to bed, or he's gotten a headache from too much time on the computer, or on the road.
And occasionally, you'll just meet someone who's a jackass, with bad manners, whose main pleasure in life is making other people feel bad. You don't even have to take that personally--I'm sure that person acts that way with all sorts of people, not just you. Don't assume that people dislike you: they may just have problems of their own that interfere with their own connecting.
5. When Actually, It IS You
If you keep having the same unsatisfying, or unpleasant interactions with lots of different people, it may be you. You may find that people ignore you, or seem annoyed or that things always seem to go in a direction you don't like. That's pretty normal, too! We all tend to do the same things, even with different people. Some people brag, others are so humble nobody can believe they ever tell the truth. Some people can't make social chitchat, others are incapable of speaking about things that are deep and true. We all make conversational mistakes--and if your conversations are winding up badly, you can learn new ways of listening and speaking, just as you might learn to hit a golf ball or dance the tango--with professional coaching.
You may decide to visit a behavioral counselor and find out what it is that you're doing to make people do the same thing over and over with you. Then you can tweak your own behaviors and watch how your social interactions change.
I once took a tango class (a REAL exercise in awkwardness!) The class worked by everyone changing partners constantly--a round-robin approach. Some danced better than others, so it all evened out--although I have to admit, I loved tangoing with the 6-foot tall, handsome and pleasant psychologist the most. There was a classmate I would have done anything to avoid, though, and I felt so guilty, because he was probably a perfectly nice man, and his dancing was probably as good, or as lousy, as mine. The problem was, he had the worst breath. I don't mean slightly off breath, or garlic breath. This was eye-watering, nauseating breath, like something rotting. Even being a few feet away was much too close for comfort, and dancing with him was tortuous. I never knew him well enough to tactfully let him know that maybe some gum would help. I wonder if he ever found out why women didn't want to know him.
This is all to say that sometimes something perfectly easy to solve, can hold someone back socially. You don't have to be Cary Grant, but a certain amount of bathing, deodorizing and clean clothes are necessary. If you're not sure about your own breath (or whatever) directly asking a counselor or your doctor should put you right, and then there are all sorts of ways to fix little problems of hygiene, physical or mental.
And a little by-the-way: if you smoke, you probably DO smell bad to nonsmokers, so wash your hands and face after your smoke breaks, and chew gum or brush your teeth before getting close to people whose noses are hyper-sensitive to smoking smells.
6. Warning: Love Isn't the Answer
When I was younger, I thought that falling in love, if reciprocated, would cure me of loneliness. We definitely get a temporary reprieve when we fall in love--it feels like you've finally met the one person who knows exactly who you are, accepts you, adores you. But the reprieve IS temporary. Either love matures into something less dramatic, or it ends. The lesson is this: don't kid yourself into thinking that meeting Mr. or Ms. Right will get you off the hook. Handling loneliness is one of life's unavoidable tasks, romance or no romance. (And with friends available, the sting of a busted romance is less agonizing.)
I'm sorry to be so blunt, but I wasted alot of time and energy trying to make romantic love do something it isn't built to do. Love may very well come along, and I hope yours is the grand kind that solves nearly all life's troubles--but you still have to learn about loneliness before you can conquer it. Some might even argue that, to be happy in love, handling one's loneliness is a prerequisite...
7. Networking for Friends
Making friends as adults is difficult because of work schedules, parenting commitments and downright fatigue! But if you approach it as you would networking for employment, you can get good results. In fact. in my experience, it's alot easier to network for friends than for work--the expectations are lower.
So, how do you network? Go back to #1 on the Honey-Do list. What are interested in? Good. Now--get out the local independent paper, or go online and find a class, a discussion group, a project--that's related to your interest. Mark the date and time in your calendar, gird your loins for battle, and GO TO IT. Don't expect to really meet friends at the first meetings, although you might. Go to every meeting and you will meet people, and you'll automatically have the connection of sharing the same interest.
If you have any inclination towards a religion or philosophy, take this time to explore it. Visit churches, synagogues, temples, bible studies--whatever seems to fit for you.
8. When in Doubt, Listen
You don't have to know things to be considered interesting. You don't even have to be amusing to have people want to spend time with you. To be a great conversationalist, just listen. Focus on the other person and what he or she is saying. You don't have to make conversation, to be witty or bright or knowledgable--let the other person do that. Just listen to the words and the feelings someone shares with you. Look at the person and take in the words; let them affect you. Respond when it feels right, but until then, just let the other person know you're hearing them. Little nods, uh-huhs, smiles and other conversational cues help the other person feel your presence.
Deep listening is the best gift, the greatest compliment you can pay another person--and something many people rarely experience. Don't worry--your time will come to talk and have someone listen to you. But start with listening to them. There is no greater way to connect with someone than really paying attention to what they have to say.
9. Give to Others
You can listen for others: you can also act. You are not the only person suffering. There are millions, billions of lonely people. You can ease your suffering by helping someone else escape his. Listening is one way to help someone out of loneliness, and the fellow-feeling it creates in you will ease yours at the same time. Helping others will always make you feel less lonely. It's a fact of life (one of the facts they're only just now starting to teach in school.)
So, what will it be? Building homes for Habitat for Humanity? Helping at a soup kitchen? Making blankets for a shelter? Playing piano at a benefit? Teaching math to kids who need extra help? Volunteering at an animal rescue farm? There are infinite ways to help ease suffering.
There are so many ways to help. You can find one, perhaps one that dovetails with your interest, too. But if not, even if it's just stuffing envelopes for something you believe in, you're contributing. Contributing attaches you more firmly to others, and strengthens your soul. When you know you're doing something humanly important (as opposed to "important" paid work, which often isn't really important, just prestigious) your connection to humanity grows, and your loneliness naturally recedes.
10. Find Your Tribe
I used to think that true love lasted forever. For some, maybe it can. But in my experience, friends and even lovers change and move on. Relationships change, peoples' values morph into new ways of living. We leave each other behind.
There have been a few friendships, a few loves, whose loss nearly destroyed me because I was unwilling to give up the dream that love, once found, would not depart. It was a laziness on my part, not wanting to give up on connections I worked so hard to make. I blamed my friends for not staying in touch, for not being true, but maybe I just expected too much. Life's projects, demands, other relationships take precedence. I may be wrong, but for me, anyway, I have to accept that friends will flow in and out of my life. I hope to keep making friends until the day I die.
But although friends come and go, I can still find my tribe. When I went to art school recently, I discovered a group of people who thought like I thought, loved and ached over the same things, faced the same terrors and tumbled into the same sorts of bliss. It was the most empowering experience of my life, because I had never met people who were so much like me. They were and are, my tribe. I accept that as individuals, we will move apart and move on. But I know now why I didn't fit in with the people I went to counseling school with; why the politics of small office life made me so sad and bored and sick. Those people weren't of my tribe.
Once you find your interests, your passion, and start connecting your passions with your social network, you will find your tribe. There is something magical in just knowing you HAVE a tribe, that it goes beyond family, school and hobbies. But you can't wait for it to come find you--you have to expend the energy to find it.
In a Nutshell...A Review of What We Have Covered
Following your interests with dedication to them will distract you from loneliness and heal you from the constant pain of feeling alone.
Practicing mindfulness meditation will give you a rest from the emotional swing of lonely feelings and help you see your world with a fresher eye, more energy and optimism.
Next, you will find new paths and groups that advance your interest, teach you and begin connecting you with others, helping you network and reach the people who will become your friends and allies.
Paying attention to others, by listening and helping, will increase those connections and build your confidence.
From the first step, you will begin to find peace and an easing of your loneliness. If you work at it as you would seriously learn anything--from driving a car to mastering a new cake recipe--you will find the process of becoming fascinated sustains you from day to day. It begins running under your entire life, like a clean, cool river that washes away insecurity and grief. It leaves you stronger and more resilient, readier to reach out, more capable of facing challenges along the way.
You've already found your first tribe, in a way. In our mutual movement away from loneliness, in embracing just these few of life's wonderful possibilities, I have already made you part of mine.
With warmest wishes,
Lori